As I start going numb, I feel myself stuck between a rock and a hard place.
On one side: emotions.
I can fight against it and try to feel. Hot, fiery emotions that come from deep within my core. I am an artist, I feel things differently compared to another person. More intensely, is the best way to describe it. But in my point of view, emotions also mean pain. Fire burns, and I think I’m all burned out for a life-time. Emotions mean having to care. Care about rent. Care about food. Care about whether I get into a good college and make something out of this pathetic excuse of a life I’m living. It also means having to be on constant alert. Watching out for something that will eventually hurt me. It means having to take the time and find the energy to analyze each and every person that comes near me to see if they are trustworthy or not. It means having to trust. It means having to take that risk. My body cannot handle the lethal dose adrenaline that accompanies it.
On the other side: numbness.
I can give in to it. Give in to that hellish abyss that awaits me with gratifying solitude. Oh, sweet numbness that tempts me with its seductive charm. If I give in, will I be denying who I am? I am, by nature, a very passionate person. Are you worth it? I’ve given into your charms once before, why not do it again? Just let go of all worries and emotions and pain. To not be constantly cautious of letting someone too close to hurt me for nobody will ever be that close again. I wouldn’t waste energy that I do not have on something as trivial as silly high school friendships. But you have tricked me before. You allured me with your charm and promises of blissful recklessness and you have forsaken me. Shall I attempt you as a solution once more in my endeavor to survive?
To be or not to be; that is the question.
It is the essence of life, in the long run.
Will I have the will to survive? Or will life be the victor and take it’s morbid prize?